she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just gift wrapped bread.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
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