He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
