Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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