just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
