I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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