I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I need to calm my uterus...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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