Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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