Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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