i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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