Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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