The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
