we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
