they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
