Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
