Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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