her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
