Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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