I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.