Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.