have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
19 Movie Extras Reveal What It’s Like To Work With Celebrities
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.