My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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