You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
