worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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