my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
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