I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
