You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
