i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
