Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
