I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize