I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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