I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
