Where is the hickey?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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