I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
