What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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