Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
