Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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