Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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