i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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