I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
