Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
