she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
