I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
