An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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