My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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