God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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