Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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