Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
