I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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