Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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