i was born a porn star she said
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
