Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
