You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
