I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
