i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
