If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
