since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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