Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
