Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
