I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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