I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
