go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Who wears a wallet chain?!
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
