we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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