Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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